I’m so glad you’re here! Us mamas need each other. And we need ALL the inspiration we can possibly gather. Mmm-hmmm! Being a mom is the most challenging and rewarding job out there. It asks everything from us. And, of course, it gives back in spades. Yet we can find ourselves in the thick of mommy-ing, juggling ridiculous amounts of things as though we’re some magical sorcerer, all the while not being able to even glimpse the forest through the trees from the swampy pond we’re stuck in. If you find yourself in this place, never fear, my friend. It’s a rite of passage, and better moms are made from consciously wading through the muck and guck.
Over the years, I felt like I was missing the mark time and time again, like I was epically failing and just doing my best to fake it. I have always had a tendency toward overwhelm. No surprise, it reached an all-time high after my second daughter was born. Vyla had a strong case of colic. During those first four months of her life, I was trying so hard to be there for Zella (my oldest) in the midst of constantly holding, bouncing, and soothing Vyla. As a pilot, my husband was often away for work, so there was plenty of solo parenting. Three weeks after giving birth, I was in bed for a week with pneumonia, which led to a massive dive in my breast milk and created a lot of anxiety around feeding my babe (and making it that much harder to get the milk flowing again). Then came a major respiratory scare for Vyla at two months. Eek! My body was riddled in stress.
That inclination toward overwhelm (and all the pesky emotions surrounding it—anxiety, dread, guilt, indecision, procrastination, avoidance, lack of focus, etc.) became my catalyst. It was at an all-time high, and I had spent enough time mired in its suffocating weight. After years of studying and teaching yoga and mindfulness, I technically had hordes of tools; yet, I was completely floundering. I was desperate to figure out how to rise above and manage these emotions so I could show up for myself and my family as my true self. The happy, confident, relaxed me.
During the wee hours of feeding, I read inspirational stories about moms who had found their way and were parenting from a place of presence, ease, and joy. I was determined to meet them there. I started following a life coach who helped to pull me out of the heavy, murky waters I was stuck in.
I had a blessed aha moment and realized then that becoming a life coach was my answer. I was eager to legitimately learn how to (as they say) put on my own oxygen mask so I could help other mamas with theirs.
The entire training process brought me such contentment, clarity, and calm. I had finally found my true calling. Hallelujah! And it helped me acquire all the concrete tools I needed to take charge of my own life in a fresh, new and deeply necessary way.
Life is constantly gifting us opportunities to learn, change, and grow. With a toddler and an eight-year-old as my teachers, there’s always room to practice. I discovered it’s vital to have an easy and effective toolset at my fingertips to pull from daily.
I’d love to share two processes that I now use to steer clear of feeling overwhelmed.
First and foremost, a daily mindfulness practice has played a key role in creating an intentional life, so I’m operating from a proactive state rather than a reactive one. I am going to map out my simple daily ritual, but before going there I want to share the method that helped me get comfortable with my emotions.
I learned this technique from Kara Loewentheil. She is a feminist confidence coach and the extraordinary host of the UnF*ck Your Brain podcast. I love this brilliant woman.
Kara says that our unwillingness to experience negative emotions can be a real problem, causing us to resist the anxiety, despair, fear (or whatever is coming up). When we ignore our emotions, they build up strength in the same way that a dam stopping up a river builds up pressure and eventually bursts. I don’t know about you, but I can think of some not-so-pretty times when my dam burst wide open. Essentially, if we are willing to have any emotion, if we recognize that we can actually handle any feeling, then there’s nothing for us to be afraid of and we become invincible.
Right on! That had me hooked. So how do we get there?
Awareness is our answer. In order to change our thoughts and emotions, we need to be able to be present with them. Often, we are so desperate to get out of pain that we’re unwilling to sit with the hurt or the negativity. And yet, like it or not, experiencing these emotions is fundamental in ushering us beyond them. Awareness precedes change. This is a big one. Drink it in. It’s going to get uncomfortable before it gets better. We have to feel the feelings we are having before they can shift.
Here’s how to process an emotion:
1. You must be willing to have the emotion and be present with it.
2. Describe the physical sensations of the emotion in order to lessen its strength significantly.
In describing an emotion, become aware of the actual sensations that the emotion is creating in you. For example, “My heart is beating faster, my face feels hot. This is anxiety.” Or, “My stomach is churning, my chest feels heavy, my palms are sweaty. I am nervous.” Be as concrete as possible and imagine that you’re talking to an alien who doesn’t know what feelings are but understands physical sensations. By doing this, we can lessen the emotion’s severity dramatically. We are showing our brain that we have received the message, and we are dealing with it. We are also distracting it by offering up a new task (to describe the physical sensations) rather than continuing to think the same thought, which takes the stakes down. As Kara says, a feeling is just a sensation in our body, and it’s actually not that bad. It feels terrible because we’re not willing to have it, and it seems so real. But it’s just caused by whatever thoughts we are thinking and not (and I love this) a truly disturbing reality from the deep.
So, my friends, to recap: awareness paves the way for change. With a willingness to be present and process our emotions from start to finish, we can soften their hold on us. We are not victims to our feelings, but rather we are powerful and completely capable of shifting the thoughts that form these emotions.
I lean on this process heavily, and I encourage you to do the same.
Mapping out a daily practice
Moving on to a daily practice. I’m going to describe my process, in the hope that it might inspire you to play around with what will work best in your life. Everyone is different, and there is no one size fits all.
1. Rise with the sun
First, I wake early. This was hard for me, reeaaally hard, especially because my kiddos often find their way into our bed or cajole me to theirs in the night. It took commitment (and I’m not the most disciplined human), but I realized that waking up early was critical to my well-being (and thus, the well-being of the peeps I live with). Otherwise, the day starts to build momentum, and it’s hard to carve out pockets of time to just make a phone call or eat a proper meal, let alone find time to tend to my oh-so-important soul and spirit. I am no good by nighttime, too whooped and guilty of passing out with my daughters during the bedtime process. So I set my alarm and am up early. And it has required me to get to bed early enough to make this happen (factoring in that I will be awoken by little bodies throughout the dark hours). When I don’t, I am sorely impatient and that is not pleasant for anyone.
2. Meditate
Step one is to meditate. I’ve learned time and time again that if it’s not my first priority, then it won’t happen, and the day will get away from me. I head to my seat (sometimes I sit in a chair, sometimes on a cushion, and sometimes I even prop myself straight up in bed). I spend the next fifteen minutes sitting and breathing. Please note, ANY amount of time will be helpful, making even a couple of minutes happen is what matters here! So I tune into my breath, inviting it to become calm (which is easier in the morning before everything around me has begun to buzz). I work with a mantra (word or phrase, considered to be a vehicle to quiet the mind) to keep bringing me back to the present moment. I have one that my yoga teacher gave me years ago, but I also use the simple, universal mantra “So-Hum.” These two Sanskrit words represent our oneness with the universe and all of creation, translating into “I am that.” It’s also said to mimic the sound of the breath. Therefore, you can inhale while you mentally repeat “So” and exhale to the sound of “Hum,” relaxing into the meaning and soothing repetition. There are countless mantras out there to choose from. The importance of the mantra is that it gives the ever-busy wandering mind a focal point. When it wants to drift out of the meditative state, the mantra helps bring it back to calm both the mind and body.
3. Notebook
Afterward, I grab myself a glass of water and start to make my tea. Then I sit down in the kitchen and write in my notebook. It’s small enough to carry in my purse, with four sections in it. I try to keep it near at all times, so I am able to put my mental musings on paper before they disappear. It has a section for my to-dos, one for projects, another for my business, and the last devoted to my mindfulness practice. I used to have lots of scrap pieces of paper floating around that I was constantly losing, and my mind was amok trying to remember what I needed to remember. This simple system calms my mind (because everything is n one place) and keeps me organized.
4. Gratitude List
In my mindfulness section, I note that I meditated (back to that discipline piece, as it’s necessary to hold myself accountable). Next, I write my gratitude list, usually about ten things that float to the top of my head that I’m grateful for. The benefits of practicing gratitude are nearly endless. Research on it states that people who regularly notice and absorb what they’re thankful for experience more positive emotions, feel more alive, sleep better, are more compassionate and kind, and even have stronger immune systems. It only takes a minute to start your day this way, and it’s like a muscle we’re developing. The stronger we can make it, the better our lives will be.
5. Affirmation
I follow up with my current affirmation. Sometimes I have more than one, but to keep things simple I strive to bring together what I am requesting into one statement. Positive affirmations are statements that are written and repeated in the present tense to encourage and uplift you. Even though it may not be true yet (or it likely wouldn’t be your affirmation), it is used to motivate the change you are seeking.
Here are some examples:
My life overflows with time, money and peace.
My life is full of magic and serendipity.
I practice patience, understanding, and compassion with others as well as myself.
My environment is calm, supportive and nourishing.
I am in love with every cell in my body.
Thoughts create our experiences. Every thought you think and word you speak is an affirmation. This is why figuring out a supportive declaration that serves your highest good is really important. We are reprogramming the mind. The more you repeat your statement, the better. You can say it over and over in your head, out loud, write it on paper, however you like. Since it’s in the present tense, imagine, REALLY imagine how it feels to have it in your life. For example, what does it feel like to have a life that’s full of magic and serendipity? As you do this, you are actively attracting this energy to you and inviting exactly what you want to become your reality.
There you have it! This uncomplicated practice has been life-changing for me. Without it, I wouldn’t be nearly as grounded or focused and my family would feel it. All in all, it takes me no more than twenty minutes. And as much as I adore all the minutes I have with my daughters, these first twenty are my most cherished as they set the tone for all that lies ahead.
What kind of simple mindfulness practice would you like to create?
It won’t ever find any momentum if it doesn’t feel easy and attainable to you. Be realistic. Commit to the time of day. We all can find at least ten minutes somewhere in our day (taking five minutes to meditate and five minutes to focus in on gratitude and a mantra, or whatever your method looks like).
If you make the daily commitment, I promise it will catapult you out of the marshy waters and open up your world in such bright and beautiful ways that you and your family will be amazed and delighted.
Sending love on your journey,
P.S. If you want support in creating a daily practice, I’m here for you! Contact me to set up a complimentary call to see if coaching with me is a good fit.