OH, the mom guilt! It’s so heavy, attempting to drag us down at every turn. Gah!
I’ve been a super offender for years, mired in guilt for things big and minutely small. What a waste! I am here to crusade against it. Mom guilt does us no favors. I repeat (in a very stern and serious voice), “Mom guilt does us NO favors!” In fact, it only causes us harm. It’s not helpful for our kiddos. We aren’t “better” moms because we feel guilty for forgetting to pack ballet clothes, buying low brow takeout yet again, bonking our child rather hard as we help them get out of the car, missing the field trip or calling in that evening sitter so we can meet our work deadline. Life is messy.
We need to kick mom guilt to the curb once and for all. I know, I know, this is a tall order. So at the very least, how about we strive for lessening it to a fraction of its current size?
But hoooow???
We’re going to lean into four simple techniques:
01: Stop comparing.
Your life is different from any and everyone else’s. Your family and circumstances are unique. Some of us work full-time. Some of us stay home. Some do a combo of both. Some of us are single. Some are coupled. Some of us have one child. Some have five. The list goes on and on and on. Why compare ourselves to someone else who has a completely different gig going on over at their house. It doesn’t even make sense.
And on this note, let’s stop thinking that Facebook posts and Instagram feeds are people’s real lives. They are a glossy, often filtered moment. Awesome. But they’re not indicative of what’s happening in all the other moments. That picture-perfect family does not have it all together (because none of us do!). Their kids have crazy meltdowns sometimes, and they get tired and lose their patience too.
So the next time you start to play the comparison game in your head, having thoughts like, “Oh my gosh, she is such a good mom because she throws beautiful birthday parties/always has her kids dressed nicely/never seems remotely frazzled” STOP!
Stop that silly insanity and Breathe. Recognize what’s happening with a sense of curiosity (this is always more effective than judgment), then take deep, slow, nourishing breaths. The quality of our breath represents the quality of our mind. If we want to be calm, we can start by inviting calm into the breath. Encourage your breath to become even (if you’re breathing in for the count of four, breath out for the count of four). Imagine you’re ironing out your breath and mind of all its wrinkles, jagged edges and inconsistencies. Breathing through your nose is the superior method. But really, just allow yourself to pause, breathe, and be.
We are all plugging away and doing our best. Sometimes our best doesn’t feel good enough. That’s okay. We learn, and we get to start fresh tomorrow. I’m always grateful for this fact.
02: You ARE already enough.
The darn not-enoughs are endless.
I am not calm enough.
I am not smart enough.
I am not creative enough.
I am not patient enough.
I am not motivated enough.
I am not fun enough.
I am not (fill in the blank) enough.
You are a good mama. You are working hard every day for your family. Good enough can be pretty darn great.
And while we’re on the topic, disregard any “I am too _______,” whatever that “too” might be – too overbearing, too emotional, too controlling, too impatient, too forgetful, too uncoordinated. These all fall into the same category. Consider them twins. Neither are welcome.
We have to stop doing this to ourselves! We deserve better. Shouldn’t we be worthy of the same treatment we’d give a cherished friend? Duh! The answer is a resounding YES! You would never tell that precious friend that she sucks as a mama, or that she’s not smart enough to figure out her son’s homework, or that she’s too unmotivated to start that exciting new business venture. No way, you’d encourage her every step of the way.
How much sweeter would our life be if we could be the first cheerleader in our lives? The one who doles out support and love to ours truly?
Let’s be that friend!
And while we’re at it, here’s a mantra that helps.
“I am enough exactly as I am.”
I wholeheartedly encourage you to repeat it over and over and over and over and over.
And over.
You get my drift.
We’re rewiring that monkey mind.
03: Lean on your tribe.
If you don’t have one yet, never fear. You can build one. Having a committed crew is worth its weight in gold.
When my oldest was five and youngest was one, we moved to Mexico. I knew no one. My husband had to travel for work, so he was around about half the time. It was a hard first year. It took some time to build friendships and feel connected to my new community. And at the time, I rarely asked for help unless I was fully backed against a corner. So, I’ve learned a lot about the importance of a friend family. That first year, my belly kept revolting, and some of these newbies in my life stepped up in all kinds of ways that humbled me. And they continue to. And I show up for them as well.
If your near and dear are already in place, by all means, lean on them! What do you need? Ask for it! And how can you offer support back? What goes around comes around. These are people who know and love your kiddos. And hey, there’s always room for more supportive, quality mom friends.
If your tribe is not set up yet, girl, get to building! I promise you’ll be glad you did. Start by offering to watch new friends’ kids. Maybe you can switch off on date nights. Perhaps you exchange some time so you can get extra work done, time to schedule that conference call or time to fill your fridge with much-needed groceries and tackle that enormous pile of laundry.
04: Make time to connect.
I have learned that when we give our children special undivided attention, it goes a long way to eliminate the guilt factor. Making time to connect one-on-one with my daughters makes such a difference in our relationship. It’s like putting money in their piggy bank. It can be as simple as fifteen minutes of complete focus, doing whatever is clever: playing with them and their stuffies, snuggling in for a book or two, enjoying a board game or making a treat together. Plus, it’s really nice to consciously drop in and hang, setting aside all else for this precious bit of time with our most precious beings.
But we can’t forget about ourselves either. We constantly give to others, so finding ways to replenish ourselves is essential. Yes, it can be tricky. There is already a lot to juggle. However, it’s impossible to give from a well that’s tapped out (believe me, I’ve tried, and it leads to health issues). What fills you up? Exercise, reading in bed, alone time with girlfriends, yoga, a bubble bath? Make it a priority. Map out time with your spouse, find a mother’s helper or sitter in your neighborhood, swap time with pals or ask a parent/sibling/relative to help (going back to the power of your tribe).
Alrighty, let’s wrap this up with a quick summary, shall we?
01: Comparing is a big ol’ waste. When it comes up, we are going to notice it with curiosity and breathe sweet, even, and nourishing breaths. It will slow us down and bring us into a calmer state of being.
02: We truly are exactly enough as we are! So we can show up for ourselves in the same way we do our closest friends. Talk to yourself with love, kindness, and compassion. Be your own best friend.
“I am enough exactly as I am.”
Repetition is key.
03: Lean on your peeps. Become a strong team. Stretch yourself and ask for help. Offer it up. Community is crucial.
04: Connect! Put your smartphone down and bond with your kiddos without distractions. Connect with yourself in a nurturing way that rejuvenates your spirit.
By following this guideline, I have made heaps of progress and am guilt-free (almost all the time) these days. Hallelujah! We are all working hard. We deserve to be free of the hindrance of guilt and enjoy the amazing and challenging work of raising these little ones.
Start now and commit to this practice going forward. If you adhere to it, I promise you, guilt will fall away, and more peace and joy will take its place.
Good work, Mama. You’ve got this!
